That creature from outer space Mike Shanahan is at it again. That dewdropper sends more mixed signals than Mae West at a cocktail party. He now has proclaimed that the Denver Broncos will be starting Ron Dayne, Tatum Bell & Cedric Cobbs at running back. Shanahan’s shenanigans has fantasy football managers fleeing for juice joints. What the hell is going on out there in Rocky Mountains? Is it no wonder that Shanahan coaches only near mountains as it’s easy access for aliens from Planet Shanahan to swoop in and pick him up for weekend getaways to see his wife RXE222. Apparently they’ve been studying tapes of the 1968 Texas Longhorns on Planet Shanahan and transmitted the results to the mountains a couple of weeks ago as it appears the Broncos are going to go with the wishbone offense in the 2006 NFL season.

What the hell are you supposed to do in your fantasy football draft? Denver employs only floor flushers in their backfield and are heavily desired by anyone in a fantasy football league. There is no doubt that Tatum Bell is the best of the bunch and would be a fantasy cake-eater if given a chance to dance. Fantasy football managers would be all over that whippersnapper Bell if only Shanahan would commit to him but he’s apparently enamored with Ron Dayne because of his one monster game last year and oh, yeah, then there’s Cedric Cobbs, he loves Cobbs. Who doesn’t love Cobbs? Who the hell is Cedric Cobbs? I have to chase myself.

I interviewed Shanahan earlier today, his face emerging from static in my living room hovering just above Oscar sleeping on the floor.

Scoop: Listen Shanahan, tell it to me straight, who’s you’re starting Running Back going to be in 2006?

Shanahan: Ron Dayne.

Scoop: So you’re saying for sure that it’s Dayne?

Shanahan: Tatum Bell.

Scoop: What? Where am I? Mike?

Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.

Scoop: Cobbs? What the hell is wrong with you?

Shanahan: Transmission fading.

Scoop: Can you send me some booze pills from Planet Shanahan?

Shanahan: Ron Dayne.

Scoop: What?

Shanahan: Tatum Bell.

Scoop: Go chase yourself.

Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.

Scoop: You dewdrop . . .

Shanahan: Terrell Davis. Transmission. Ceased.

His face disappeared just as Oscar walked into a wall. I was tired of these chewing gum conversations with Shanahan. That space invader ruffles my feathers more than some Joe Brooks in glad rags talking fancy to my date at a party.

My advice is to fantasy football managers is to go with Tatum Bell, watch him tear up the preseason enough for you to start him in week one only to see Ron Dayne take the first 50 carries of the season. Later that night, come find me at a gin mill on the Midway in St. Paul and we’ll get bent and talk about interplanetary lollygaggers. Sue me.