Fantasy Football News

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report Week 2

09/01/2006

Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report- Week Two

Hayworthian Floor Flushers-

Plaxico Burress, WR, New York Giants, 6 catches, 114 yards, 1 TD- Plaxico Burress is my favorite fantasy footballer of all-time. This half heeler-half floor flusher sends owners half seas over on a regular basis. Plaxico is hitting on all sixes so far in Ought-Six. MAZUMA! BERRIES! JACK! KALE! HEAVY SUGAR!

Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis Colts, 400 yards, 3 TD- Peyton Manning was delivering papers all over the neighborhood on Sunday. 400 yards and 3 touchdowns. What else would you expect from this All-Hayworthian footballer.

Rex Grossman, QB, Chicago Bears, 289 yards, 4 TD- Jumin’ Johhny Jupiter! What the hell got into this easily broken footballer on Sunday? Bear fans are anklin’ to the gin mill to celebrate the advent of offensive football. Offensive as in offense, as in an NFL offense. Pick this cake-eater up and someone give me a ride to the grocer!

Rudi Johnson, RB, Cincinnati Bengals, 26 carries, 145 yards, 2 TDs- All the swells on wall street are reacting to the sockdollager behavior of whippersnapper Rudi Johnson. Holy Hannah Rose! Take this torpedo’s order before you get one between the eyes. Have you seen the waitress?

Casper Milquetoasts-

Kerry Collins, Loser, Tennesee Titans, 6-19, 57 yards, 2 INTs- This dewdropper gave himself the bum’s rush from the NFL on Sunday. 6 completions. 2 interceptions. Paging Dr. Attaboy, I need a ratio.

Randy Moss, WR, Oakland Raiders, 2 catches, 32 yards- I can hardly point the finger at Moss on this one because the Oakland Raiders are the most pathetic bunch of lollygaggers in the NFL. Moss needs to belly up at a juice joint and stare at the mirror behind the bar because the case of depression that this former floor flusher is going to go through this season is startling. New starting quarterback Andrew Walter provides one last chance for Moss to perk up.

Ineptitude, Offense, Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 3 points in 8 quarters. These hayburners are giving their owners the high hat. Jon Gruden has to be pounding the panther sweat pretty hard this week as he tries to find the formula to a successful offense in his basement. Call me a cab, I’m tired of drinking these killjoy’s.

Alien Notes-

Terrell Owens, Diva, Dallas Cowboys, 3 catches, 19 yards- This diva doesn't want to play football. Plain and simple. Hurt, dropping passes, taking off to Saturn midway through a fly pattern, get this man a spaceship because he’s hell bent on leaving the NFL universe.

Broncos, Offense, Planet Shanahan- Someone must have given the Broncos offense some Nevada gas because these boys are in a wooden kimono. Something is amiss on Planet Shanahan and all of my attempts to contact the head coach have proven unsuccessful. Jake Plummer is about to be replaced by an alien as the only thing really working in Denver is their running game. Pull the shades up and look to the skies, a flying disc man is en route from Planet Shanahan with reinforcements and BOOZE PILLS!

Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.