Fantasy Football News

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report Week 1

09/12/2006

Scoop Chicos - Fantasy Football Commissioner Senior Writer
Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report - Week One

Hayworthian Floor Flushers-

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers- Jumpin’ Johnny Jupiter! This floor flusher went fishing in the desert and brought in a boatload of Muskies! A 49er topping the charts? Someone pour me a drink while I’m waiting for my drink.

Donte Stallworth, WR, Philadelphia Eagles- I’ve never said a kind word about this dewdropper. Well, I’m about to: MAZUMA! 6 cathes for 141 yards and a touchdown? Him? This guy could be the steal of the year for any of you prom-trotters out there who drafted him in the middle rounds.

Chester Taylor, RB, Minnesota Vikings- Taylor didn’t disappoint in his debut as a workhorse churning out 131 total yards. Brad Childress jumped on his back and attaboyed him down the stretch. Childress gave him 25 shots and Taylor didn’t throw up, in fact, this cake-eater scored!

Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia Eagles- I pretty much dismissed this guy because of his erratic behavior. Hey, when an acquaintance looks at you peculiarly sometimes, like you never know when he’s going to go for your drink, suddenly spills his guts to you at the juice joint then tries to pick up your Rita at the end of the night, well, you give him the bums rush from your life. McNabb acted like a reformed man on Sunday and his 314 yards and 3 TDs went a long way toward forgiveness.

Kurt Warner, QB, St. Louis Cardinals- Part one of the prediction I made Auggie 20th has come true: “After week one you might be thinking BERRIES! KALE! JACK! But after Warner’s arm falls off in week two you’ll be shouting expletives at your tube vision.” I’m no slouch which means this is the last week Kurt Warner will have a right arm.

Casper Milquetoasts-

Tampa Bay Offense- Pardon my French but "Est-ce que vous êtes ivre?" Joey Galloway, Chris Simms and Cadillac Williams can go chase themselves. Galloway’s line of 0 for 0 was directly related to Simms pathetic 133 display and the Williams 22. I’m nonplussed and don’t speak French.

Trent Green, QB, Kansas City Chiefs - Trent Green will not be back until week 4 at the earliest. If this flour lover is looking for a dance, forget it. This season is off to a nightmare start for Green and the beginning of the end is beginning to start. Green will write the first chapter of this season in his sleep. Something called Damon Huard crawled out of a Kansas City gutter on Monday and was given a helmet.

Reuben Droughns, RB, Cleveland Browns- Did someone forget to add the vodka to this greyhound?

Aaron Brooks, QB, Oakland Raiders- What the hell was that? I’ll take this meal to go

Alien Notes-

Tatum Bell, RB, Planet Shanahan- Bell showed who the real running back is for Denver on Sunday. Planet Shanahan has named him the week 2 starter which means they’re going to resign Ron Dayne and give him the ball 30 times. Booze Pills!

Nick Saban, Head Coach, Miama Dolphins- That challenge flag toss looked weaker than a drink poured by Tom Road. The national media has done nothing but treat Saban like a King even though he hasn’t done anything yet. Until he proves me otherwise, Saban’s inability to hit the referee in the back of the head with that red flag has me calling him a lollygagger.

Tom Cruise, DB!,Washinton Redskins- Was this weird celebrity researching a role as guy who goes to a game, sits next to the owner of a team and looks like he doesn’t know anything about football? Get this celebrity a bib so he'll stop drooling on his suit. Pick up Tom Cruise immediately because next week he's going insane.

Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.