Fantasy Football News

The Night I Freaked Out Alex Karras

09/15/2006

Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner 

The Night I Freaked Out Alex Karras (and why Drew Bledsoe should look to Mars)

The year was 1976, I walked into the Metropolitan Stadium press box and saw Alex Karras sitting alone, hours before he was to do a telecast of a Vikings-Steelers Monday Night Football game.  He was wearing an oversized suede jacket with white fur trim along with some sort of large brimmed western cap.  I remember walking into the room and saying, “Howdy, pard’ner.”  Karras froze, shooting me a nonplussed look.  This dewdropper, sitting right next to the window that supplied the view to the field,   turned around to see if there was anyone else I could possibly be talking to.  There wasn’t.  He turned back and kinda half smiled at me and gave me every indication he was going to say something.  I shuffled toward him making my hands into a pair of fake guns waiting at my hip to be drawn.  I kept walking; he kept turning his head to the right, while keeping his eyes on me.  I made it all the way to him without him saying a word and I was as confused as he was.  I think he might have been overlooking my shoulder for security or something as he appeared to be losing steam with the situation.  So I drew my gun, a bottle of Wild Turkey, and pointed it right at his mouth.  He finally spoke, albeit two words. 
He said “What, um?” 

I said, “Hey Karras, are you going to sit there like a leaded horse on the backstretch   or are you going to grab this Wild Turkey by the neck and ring it?”   

“Who are you?”

“Forgive me if I’m a little crocked but something has been bugging me.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m the freaking Guardian Angel Scoop Chicos and if you don’t listen to me right now I see a very bleak future for you.”

This dewdropper sat up faster than Steve Jordan after being tackled.  I had his attention and I held it by taking a sip of Wild Turkey than passing it to him.  We each took a few big tugs.   He was looking at me strange like, as if he was actually trying to determine if I was a guardian angel.  He kept looking into my eyes, as if they held clues to something he would never know, but should, but couldn’t.  I raised the bottle of Wild Turkey into the air and poured some into my mouth.  Turkey splattered on my chin but mostly in my mouth.  I looked at him as if he were to be talking and I think he might have tried to utter something but nothing came out. 

“Alex Karras, this is the Guardian Angel Scoop Chicos sent here from Mars to tell you that if you don’t start talking during the Monday Night Football telecasts, you will lose your job.  Period.  Done.  Finished.  Empty Bottle.  What?  Empty Bottle Karras, would you look at that?” 

I softly set the empty bottle on the press table next to the ex-linebacker.  The bottle was swaying, trying to keep its balance but eventually fell over.   Karras appeared a little freaked out so I walked up to him, put my hand on his shoulder, and pointed at a little red dot in the sky. 

“See that, Karras, that’s Mars.” 

I left the room. 

I waited a minute and peeked back in and Karras was staring at Mars.  He didn’t speak very much that night and for the rest of the season.  The next season Karras was replaced by that cut-up card Dandy Don Meredith. 

This story came to mind as I was watching Dallas Cowboy Drew Bledsoe stink up the joint in Jacksonville on Sunday.  Young whippersnapper Tony Romo is waiting in the wings and if Bledsoe doesn’t look to Mars for inspiration and start talking he’s going to be out of a job.  Pick up Tony Romo immediately.  Sue me. 


Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.

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