Fantasy Football News

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report Week 4

10/04/2006

Scoop Chicos - Fantasy Football Commissioner Senior Writer
Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report, Week Four-

Hayworthian Floor Flushers-

Santana Moss, Washington Redskins, 4 catches, 138 yards, 3 TDs- Jumping Johnny Jupiter! This whippersnapper was running circles around the usually stout Jacksonville defense on Sunday. After a slow start, Moss has cemented himself as a floor flusher. MAZUMA!

Mark Brunell, Washington Redskins, 18-30, 329 yards, 3 TDs- This old man put together his second straight remarkable performance and breathed some life into a career on life support. Brunnell looked uninterested the first couple weeks of the season, but something has changed in his demeanor and fantasy owners are screaming BERRIES!

Donovan McNabb, Philadelphia Eagles, 2 Passing TDs, 2 Rushing TDs- Donovan McNabb has climbed to the top of the fantasy world once again and I’m happy to attaboy him all the way to the grocer if he’ll give me a ride.

Larry Johnson, Kansas City Chiefs, 30 carries, 101 yards, 2 TDs- After remarkably not scoring a touchdown in the first 3 weeks, this fantasy colossus picked up two along with 100 yards and continues to lead the NFL in yards from scrimmage.

Marques Colston, New Orleans Saints, 5 catches, 132 yards, 1 TD- Who the hell is this guy and what the hell is he doing with 336 yards and 3 touchdowns? If you see this guy at the bar, buy him a drink then send him my way so he can buy me a drink.

Laurence Maroney, New England Patriots, 15 carries. 125 yards, 2 TDs- Maroney began a long career of fantasy domination on Sunday. Give a rose to Rita and ask her to dance, Maroney is fantasy gold. HEAVY SUGAR!

Casper Milquetoast-

Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle Seahawks, 16-35, 196 yards, 2 INTs- Hasselback looked like a man taking a walk with with an empty dog leash on Sunday night. Depressed, getting mauled by his demons, despondent. Get this guy a lollipop and a pony.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, 15 carries, 34 yards- What the futz is this futz doing out there? His days in the NFL universe are futzing numbered if he doesn’t stop futzing around. Futz! I’m half seas over.

Chester Taylor, Minnesota Vikings. 10 carries, 23 yards- Taylor was a flat tire in Buffalo on Sunday as the Vikings offensive line continues it’s killjoy tendencies. Taylor should bounce back in Week 5. I’m bent.

Fred Taylor, Jacksonville Jaguars, 7 carries, 16 yards- What the hell was that? Taylor is no longer cut out for this fantasy life. I’m out on the roof.

Alien Notes-

Kurt Warner, St. Louis Cardinals, 11-20, 128 yards, 1 INT- Kurt Warner’s NFL career died on Sunday in Atlanta. His in ability to hold onto the football, throw an accurate pass or evade pressure all combined to kill his career. Pour one into the ground for this weirdo and then pour one into your glass, forget about Warner and move on with your fantasy life.

Matt Millen, Dumb Ass, Detroit Lions- How this hayburner still has a job is beyond me. His Lions are 0-4 this season and 21-63 in Millen’s tenure as General Manager. There is nothing worldly about this Pluto Poser.

Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.