Fantasy Football News

The Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report Week 6

10/17/2006

Scoop Chicos - Fantasy Football Commissioner Senior Writer
Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner

Hayworth, Milquetoast and Alien Report, Week 6

Hayworthian Report

LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers, 21 carries, 71 yards, 4 TDs, 7 catches, 64 yards- Can you say porterhouse steak, baked potato, vegetable, side salad, bread and butter with a whiskey Manhattan, a glass of wine and a water?

Chicago Bears Defense- Send your enemies into their neighborhood and be sure to say goodbye for good. Holy Hannah Rose! I haven’t seen defensive beauty like this since Rita Hayworth told me to “go to hell.”

Deion Branch, Seattle Seahawks, 6 catches, 76 yards, 2 TDs- MAZUMA! Branch is only beginning to get served in Seattle bars. Sit next to this bombshell while you can.

Torry Holt, Los Angeles Rams, 8 catches, 154 yards, 3 TDs- This vacuum salesman could sell a non-alcoholic beer to me. Sue me.

Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers, 8 catches, 189 yards, 1 TD/Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers, 365 yards, 2 TDs- This combo is a dangerous cocktail and they are only getting started. The tiny Smith is the best wide receiver in the league. Speaking of tiny, when playing risk, the key continent is most often the tiny Australia.

Phillip Rivers, San Diego Chargers, 334 yards, 2 TDs- This young whippersnapper is hotter than a day at the beach with Joan Crawford.

Tiki Barber, New York Giants- 26 carries, 185 yards, 3 catches, 42 yards, 0 Touchdowns - Barber is having plenty of yard sales this year but don’t bite when he offers you lemonade and winks at the same time because he isn’t spiking your drink, he just has something in his eye.

Milquetoast Report

Tony Gonzalez, Kansas City Chiefs, 3 catches, 15 yards- This guy is as valuable to your fantasy team as Russ Francis and Joe Sensor.

Rudi Johnson, Cincinnati Bengals, 17 carries, 52 yards- In the past three games Johnson is averaging 54 yards and 1/3 of a touchdown. I’m no Philadelphia Lawyer but this makes no sense.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, 9 carries, 41 yards- Write something sappy in a card; Mothers Day is coming up.

Derrick Mason, Baltimore Ravens, 0 catches, 0 yards- Did someone forget to add vodka to this greyhound?

Alien Report

Terrell Owens, Cowboys: 5 catches, 45 yards, 3 TDs- That drama queen in Big D is like an accident you can’t keep your eyes off of and now that he’s scored three touchdowns every story on every network covering the NFL for the rest of the season will be about this diva.

Chicago Bears Offense- These interplanetary lollygaggers where sent back to earth by the St. Louis Cardinals last night.

Daunte “TV Dinner” Culpepper, Miama Dolphins- 0 fumbles and 0 interceptions last week; an improvement. Unfortunately, he had 0 yards and 0 touchdowns.

Dennis Green, Head Coach, St. Louis Cardinals- That press conference was a thing of beauty. I have no idea what he said and I don’t think he does either. The Chicago Bears defense has possessed Denny and he will never be able to break the spell. When he’s hired as a football analyst next season he’s going to have to buy some color contacts because his eyes will be a glowing green for eternity.

Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.