Fantasy Football News

ESPN is Like Mae West at a Cocktail Party

10/20/2006

Scoop Chicos
Senior Staff Writer
Fantasy Football Commissioner

ESPN is like Mae West at a Cocktail Party

I was planning on going to Lake Minnetonka last weekend for the annual Vikings bye week lollapalooza. My white, spindly legs with my loafers and business socks where set to dazzle them birds who were going to be dancing and trying to make my heart stop. I then found out the boat party was cancelled and I said “Whaaaa?” What’s wrong with athletes these days? They don’t like to sip the giggle juice with reporters anymore? Hell, I remember a time in 1973 at The Manor on West 7th Street in St. Paul when I stayed up all night with Carl Eller and Jim Marshall. We sat at the piano long after the bar closed until the sun came out, singing Sinatra songs and talking football. I remember at one point I charged Marshall because I was half seas over and thought I could knock him down. I flew right into Marshall’s chest that was so hard I might as well had walked into my own front door, which I did later that night. There was a time when journalists drank with the players on a regular basis and no one gave a damn. With the onset of the most hypocritical and pathetic sports media outlet, ESPN, ever known to man or alien kind, the old journalistic approach has gone out the window. What’s an almost century old sportswriter to do? My pen and pad are still in the inside pocket of my coat and I’m ready to report but these players don’t open up like they used to. Hey, if I want to get a cliché I can talk to my neighbor Harry Ham.

Scoop: “How’s it going today, Harry?”
Harry Ham: “Just trying to get my ducks in a row before the snow.”
Scoop: “Huh?”
Harry Ham: “If you don’t like the weather, just wait ten minutes, eh Scoop.”
Scoop: “Duck?”
Harry Ham: “Hey, no matter how long the winter, Spring is sure to follow.”
Scoop: “What the hell are you talking about, Harry.”
Harry Ham: “Yeah, we’ll se you later, Scoop, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Scoop: “You can be damn sure I will.”
Harry Ham: “Ah, c’mon Scoop, I know you’re as innocent as a dirty hoof print in virgin snow”
Scoop: “Go chase yourself.”

Yes, ESPN, football commentators, athletes, coaches, you’re all like my neighbor Harry Ham; you say nothing, you act like nothing happened and I’m still old. You create headlines and your roar is bigger than your bite. What a pathetic old network you’ve become. The only thing you’ve talked about for the past month is Terrell Owens and Alex Rodriguez, and you know what you talked about when you were talking about these two hayburners? You talked about how your weren’t going to talk about them while you were talking about them. Huh? I’m so old, I’m ol’. I saw your little hype machine trick about Rodriguez and Owens and you were as off as a bucket of prawns in the midday sun. I’ve seen you do this before, ESPN, create a story and distance yourself from the story at the same time, then proceed to use every commercial teasing the story, every lead-in or commercial break exit teasing the story, hell, your worse than Mae West at a cocktail party. You are a bunch of loudmouth, two bit apologists. You put fake tears in your eyes, ESPN, because the red face that I’m employing right now is ready to turn purple and the ottoman I’m about to hit with my cane better brace itself from my hat to follow. Chris Berman, you’re the biggest fake of them all. You remember that day a couple years ago when the Minnesota Vikings went to your sacred Lambuea Field and destroyed the waning Green Bay Packers. Yes, Berman, the game where Randy Moon faked mooning the Green Bay crowd. Do you remember what you said, “Randy Moss desecrated Lambeau Field today.” You want to know who desecrated Lambeau field that day, Boomer? It was Brett Favre on a play that you laughed about. It was fourth down and 2 with the game on the line and Favre went barreling toward the first down marker and just before he was about to pick up the first down, he flipped an underhand throw into the end zone after he’d crossed the line of scrimmage. You laughed about it, called Favre the ultimate competitor, trickster, card, cut-up quarterback and you couldn’t have been more wrong. You refused to call out Favre on the fact that this was one of the poorest and cowardice decisions of his career. Favre is the ultimate competitor but on that play he was about to get pummeled as three Vikings were converging on him and you know what else, FAVRE WAS GOING TO PICK UP THE FIRST DOWN. Instead, he chickened out and you laughed about it and then you showed the highlight of Moss doing a fake moon and you acted like someone died. Holy Hannah Rose, I’m hotter than a day at the beach with Joan Crawford! ESPN, you are dead to me, you’re glossy and fake, you couldn’t hold Myron Cope’s or Dick Schapp’s tighty whities. You have the morals of an alley cat and scruples of a snake and you’re anybody's dog that will hunt with you. Sue me.

Scoop Chicos is the senior staff writer for fflcommish.com, the most flexible fantasy football league manager available. His original fantasy football articles are updated several times a week. You can ask him fantasy football related questions in his fantasy football forum. Subscribe to his articles from his fantasy football rss feed.